and so life goes on

yesterday, april 9th 2010, all my world fell apart . i found my self alone, dealing with the biggest pain of the last months, just one year after my friend's death, my boyfriend left me, for what he said was to find him self .

i don't blame him for the feelings he feel regarding that, and i cannot find the way to blame my self either because of that.

it hurts that he just gave up on me in such a terrible way.

for the past year i had to deal with the death of 3 relatives, 1 of my friends comitted suicide and i lost 2 jobs. i had to deal with the fact that i was so hurt that i couldn't handle it on my own. at least not anymore.

he says that i didn't loose my self in this past 2 years that we've been together. what he didn't know was that i was already and forever lost . i died last year and he didn't noticed it . i suffered and crawled the lowest that i ever crawled. i cried so many tears that my eyes are forever dry.

now, almost 24 hours after he decided to leave to find him self, i find my self realizing that he never understood how deep my wounds were, how hard it was for me to hide my pain sometimes to be ok when i saw him.

maybe it's for the better, i don't know, i needed him to be understanding with me and i really thought he knew me well, but it looks like he didn't know me a bit. he knew what i showed outside my painfull shell, he never gone deeper to find my wounds and make me feel that maybe those could heal.

i wish that he could knew me better... as good as i know his gentle though young heart.

babe, if you ever read this i want you to know that if you felt that you lost your self in this 2 years it wasn't my fault. we have to deal with the decisions that we make, and yours was to make me happy whatever was the cost. i only wanted your love, that's all i ever wanted from you ... it's sad to find that you misleaded your way to love and your lost your self in the way.

i hope you find the one you were, even though the one i met was is one i love right now.

right know, heart-broken and suffering, i decided to never love again. to never give my self like i did this past two years. i gave my love to right person for me. and he'll have it until the day i die. no-one else will ever have an intch of my love, and if that means to stay alone for the rest of my life, so be it. im not afraid as i loved like never loved before. and like i never will.


So long for now, my love

Sid